When You Can’t Fix It

How to show up for your child when you don’t have the answers

There are moments in parenting where something is wrong, and you can’t fix it. Not with a solution. Not with a quick decision. Not with a “try this instead.” If you are someone like me, who likes to solve problems, those moments can feel especially heavy because your child is hurting, and every part of you wants to take it away.

As a parent, you prepare for a lot of things. Tantrums. Transitions. Learning curves. What I was not prepared for was watching my child go through something I had never experienced myself. My daughter has lived with autoimmune challenges since she was a baby (now age 22). Over time, that became more than one diagnosis as she moved into her teens and into adulthood. More recently, my son, age 19, developed chronic hives almost 2 years ago. Two very different experiences for my children, one chronic and one sudden onset, but the same feeling as a parent: uncertainty, helplessness, and the constant question, what do I do with this?

There is something especially difficult about supporting your child through something you do not personally understand. You cannot say, “I know exactly how you feel,” because you don’t! You cannot lean on your own past experience because you do not have one that matches. That can make you feel like you are not doing enough. But here is the truth. Your child does not need you to have lived it. They need you to sit with them in it.

This is the shift. We move from, how do I fix this, to how do I show up in this. Support does not always look like solutions. Sometimes it looks like sitting with them when they are uncomfortable, acknowledging what they are feeling, staying calm when they are not, and being steady when things feel unpredictable. Your presence becomes the anchor.

Watching your child struggle brings up a lot in you. Fear. Frustration. Sadness. Even guilt. If we are not careful, those emotions can start to lead our responses. You may find yourself trying to rush a solution, minimizing what they are feeling, or becoming overwhelmed yourself. Not because you do not care, but because you care deeply. This is where YOUR regulation comes in. Before you respond to your child, take a moment to ground yourself. Even something as simple as reminding yourself, “I can’t fix this.” This one thought can shift your entire response.

When your child is going through something unfamiliar, they need to feel safe, seen, and not alone. You can say things like:

• “I am here with you.”
• “This feels hard.”
• “We will figure this out together.”

You don’t need the perfect words. You just need to be present.

It can feel like you should have more answers. More solutions. More control. But parenting is not about having all the answers. It is about showing up in those moments where you feel unsure and giving your child what they need. Consistency. Safety. Connection.

You do not have to fix everything your child goes through. You just have to stay with them while they go through it.

You’ve Got This.

Nicole